Dear Zephie,
It’s been a week. Same time last week, I sat here and wrote about you. That was my way of coping through my tears for leaving you behind at SouthPaws. Every minute of that Sunday will be etched in my memory for a long time. Actually, since Saturday and from that moment when I saw you wobble towards me that morning, through the lopsided way you fell on your cushion out on the deck as you lay in that glorious morning sunshine, to when I took you to Pender, to the look in your eyes as you waited for me to lift you down and well to the time you came to say goodbye to be as I stepped out hesitatingly at dinner, to how u feebly licked the pain killer laced yogurt I dropped little by little into your mouth.
Needless to say, it’s been one wretched week. In parts, coz life forces you to go on. You know me, I can’t stay in one emotive state for long. So I flitted, in and out. Sometimes my ADD is a curse and this time am not sure what it is with regards to your absence but that’s where I am. There are moments when you are overwhelmingly around me, especially when I cut those carrots or I open the freezer and I see those long beans and I reflexively reach for them coz I know you are waiting for those. I never enjoyed carrots much, and the last time I almost chopped my finger off coz I couldn’t see clearly, so no, no carrots awhile, and who cares for those long french beans anyway.
Daddy misses you a lot. He won’t say it as you know, but he went for a walk on Wednesday and that was the last time he did. He came home with an expression of utter despair and loss. Very confused he looked. Coz I guess a few of your friends’ parents asked about him and he had to answer. None of us greet him with your enthusiasm of course when he walks in home, so yeah.
No one sits on your side of the couch. The cushions still have your hair on them. I hadn’t cleaned out your green patch of carpet till this afternoon, along with your bowls and your collar. I was also reflling your bowl and occasionally throwing in a piece of bread you like so much. No one complained. Munchkin asked me why I was doing it and we just hugged. K misses you very much, but she’s another nut, so she wont speak much or say. But she does pride in the fact that you kissed her on her birthday, and that you rarely kiss anyone, so she’s special alright. We all have changed our phone/ipad screensaver to a picture of you as we each took it. I think you look pretty darn handsome and wild in mine standing in the middle of the stream at Walney.
CC made some really cute videos and a story about you meeting Humph. Did you? I hope you did. At least you know someone there and I hope you made some new friends. I know you don’t particularly crave company much and you rather prefer humans, but what to do, I hear the meadows out there are filled with your folks, so please just can you go play with others? Surely, there must be a bunch out there who like to run, so go chase them like the wind. Cut across like you do, using all the silly math skills humans have to be taught and that comes so naturally to you, and you know, stay out of trouble. You do anyways, you are a smarty pants and you know how proud I am of that trait. Oh, Forgot to tell you, G still walks by, but his pace has increased. I bet he is now relieved you are not barking and growling at him from across the road!
Zeph, do you remember that conversation we had at Walney one evening? You were peeping to see the fish in the pond and I sat down next to you and we had that moment? I spoke to you about getting you a pup to play with? I promised I would this coming spring. I wish you stayed around Zeph, I know how much you would have enjoyed having one at home. I barely go to the deck anymore coz I want to shout out for you, coz I know you would slowly sneak away to the front yard and or to the neighbors deck, not that they’d mind. I wanted to get a fence for you, so you and the new pup could have your play times there.
I did something crazy today. I went to Petco for the adoption drive. To check on Marcella. The lab mix, me and the girls saw yesterday. She was way adorable, and was a bit scared coz of the crowd, but she clung to me and well, even tried climbing above my shoulders. I met M, the one who handed you to me 4 years ago. I told her about you, and her eyes suddenly shone strong. She still remembered you, as Lucy of course. That adorable Elkhound! We barely see any of your kind here, so you stood out. Just like everyone else in the neighborhood remembers you, for your sharp ears and those eyes and the strong herding instinct you had.
I stay home all day Zeph, and I miss you around the house.
I wanted to bring home Marcella. She’s a lab mix with white paws and a black stripe running down her back. Daddy was mortified. He actually was horrified I would even consider that so soon. It’s too soon. How? Why? he asked me, and I tried explaining that I wasn’t replacing you, we never could of course, but I wanted to heal and be happy and have a pup in the house. You’ve made me such a dog mom you know? Daddy doesn’t understand, and he thinks I want a toy to play with, and it’s just so hard explaining but you understand don’t you? How could anyone ever replace you? No one. Not everyone understands what it is to lose a pet, and even I wouldn’t have till you, so there are really just a few with whom I can talk, and you know how busy everyone is. So, am kinda going to just stick to writing. That’s how Ive always dealt with most things anyway.
So, I feel a void, but maybe it is too soon for daddy and K, so munchkin and I hugged each other and decided to wait some more. There’s a pup out there with our last name and we will find each other when the time is right. I know you will be okay, you never had a problem sharing us or your stuff with Max or with anyone.
I miss the sound of your nails on the floor, and how elegantly you sit at the screen door and gaze outside. There is no lady out there that can compete. Thank you so much for allowing us to be your family for the short time you were here. I know I said am sorry only a few thousand times as I held you that day, but yes, am so sorry I couldn’t save you some more days with us. Just so you know, am not sad, am crying, but I miss you so I am tearing, but am not hugely sad. Am okay. Who knew meditation would come in handy so much eh? I miss hugging you though.. You were such a warm thing to hold on to 🙂
On Friday, during meditation, I saw you. I saw you happy and I was happy. It seemed like it was time to let you go, and I am grateful for the change you brought in each of us, and the happy memories you’ve left us with. I am so grateful that you didn’t have to suffer much and you lived a happy life till the last day, remember you even had a playdate with Max on Friday?
I’ll write again soon, but you be good and you have fun there, and NO MORE Seizures right? No more medicines too! Yay 🙂
Bye ra Zephlu, Love you loads,
Mom.
