tears

Tears that bring tears and then some tears than bring fresh tears

Okay that’s complicated. It shouldn’t be.

So am hobbling around coz the left knee is in a bad shape.

Ive been limping and wincing and tearing up over the past 2 weeks coz of a myriad of things that’s occupied my heart, body and mind. I am known to never-say-die and hold a stiff almost antagonistic face in adverse situations. I may look like I talk and went my heart out here and on twitter, Facebook etc, but the reality is different. It is not about looking or feeling weak. We all are weak and strong according to the situations we are dealing with, everything is a comparison and a relative to our own circumstances and sometimes in comparison with what else is happening around us.

Life is unfair.

I knew and know about it since I was a child. I am just consciously admitting to it now. I have had a good life, compared to many. I know. I am blessed with all that most of us take for granted. Yet, there is also a part of me that feels life has been unfair to me. Not once, not twice but many times. It’s actually a surprise when something does go right and according to the plan in my head.

Ive learnt to take it in stride. I feel sad, depressed and I wail, kick and scream and vent and contemplate murder or suicide and then once the tears dry out, am back on my feet (not literally now) and am there being a Ninja. Occasionally clumsy coz I know not what I fight, and occasionally honest and sometimes experienced, but I am a Ninja. (Maybe I should be one badass ninja for my next year’s halloween!)

I think back on all the various nodes of my life and realize that I’ve always had to settle for Plan B. Maybe it’s my bad luck or maybe it’s coz I didn’t work hard and long enough on my Plan A’s, but Plan B is always it. Sometimes it’s Plan C or D and so on, but the fact remains that I trudge on. I adapt, change, tweak and persevere, coz I know not any other way.

But honestly, isn’t that the case with everyone? We don’t give up and we can’t stop coz there is no choice. HOW we go about the detours in our life is probably where grace comes. Where we show intelligence in how we choose to move on and humility to understand that there are higher powers in existence that can and will dispose what we propose.

Stephen Hawking said ” Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change”

I don’t like change very much.

I doubt anyone does. It requires shift in thought, and then corresponding action on the change in scenario or situation. It is work. Who likes work when it’s forced on them? No one. We grit and bear through it for the final effect.

That’s where intelligence comes in I suppose. To be prudent enough to allow yourself to quickly change, realize that change is imminent and there is no choice but to move forward. How one changes with finesse and grace and ease so the transition is as minimal and visible as it can be, is what defines how intelligent we are.

I am on crutches since a week. Before that for 3 days I had pretty excruciating pain and the only two things that gave me comfort was my nice comfy day bed and vicodin. Since that’s tying down a restless me, I sought to make my DIY gifts for the season. I had yarn, needles, my hot glue gun, beads, baubles and everything that I possibly could around me. I hobbled to the stores, picked everything one day and haven’t moved much after that. I made yarn wrapped letters, doggy collars, baked doggy treats and made bracelets and bangles. Pinterest was the only constant window on my browser. I read a bit, and I wrote handwritten letters. I learnt to do one interesting thing on Photoshop. I am halfway through a book.

(Hey, maybe this grounding isn’t so bad!)

Driving’s good, except that am just not driving around for the pleasure of it.

The daughter has been a help and she has been doing my groceries for me, fabulously sticking to the lists I send her. The husband has been good with supplying food on the occasion I couldn’t cook, and generally being a support when I couldn’t crutch around. Son is being his usual lost in his world. Munchkin’s being a darling and gives me much needed hugs. Yesterday we watched Home Alone 2 (till it got boring) cuddled under the blankets.

I wait for the call that would set a date for the procedure.

A meniscal tear at the root. A tricky place for me to go tear my meniscus eh? It’s tricky. It also means that the cartilage can wear out quicker than normal (and am already halfway there!) and I land in osteoarthritis in my early 40s. How fun.

I was to be doing at least 10 miles at Hains Point this Saturday. Instead I have no clue what I will be doing, but I know for sure I won’t be cycling.

It’s not the end of the world. I will beat this, get my knee fixed, (just like I did back in 2008, and if u have some time, do read a few posts AFTER that too ;-)) do physical therapy and I will get fit and as much to my original self or even better than before. I will lose my goal of 20 pounds the good and hard way by this time in 2014. I will change, tweak and adapt and be the intelligent woman and person that I am. I just have to persevere and not give up and I will not.

Happy holidays folks!

2014, here I come!

Maybe this would be a good time to write that book 😉