all it takes

To move a mountain is not just for you have faith in you, but for someone else to have faith in you. Especially someone who knows how to move a mountain and move it well. Someone like a teacher. To have faith and to push you and to tell you, that you can do it.

I speak of dance. There was a time when I could do some intricate movements, with speed, grace and elegance without looking like I got out of a wringer. It was precisely 9 years ago that I performed my best role in a dance ballet. I was at my peak. I had worked hard, very hard, physically pushing my limits with some amazing mental strength and stamina, and I rocked the stage, I loved my scene. I was also pregnant – all of 19 weeks when I performed.

I don’t think I thought through the decision to continue to perform despite the sudden pregnancy. Never mind that I was just recovering from a bad attack of shingles and I was weak, but, I had agreed to perform much before any of these and so, there was no two ways about it.

Baby came.

Weight came.

Depression hit.

The blog started. Writing became my new passion. I was laissez faire with everything else.

Cartilage tear happened.

I gave up. I taught, I danced a bit, not pushing myself, not stretching my limits.

I was afraid.

Afraid of hurting myself again.

Afraid of believing in my capability.

Mainly afraid that I will let myself down.

No one believed in me.

No one pushed me.

I needed to be pushed and no one knew or cared enough to push me. To dance again. To believe in the dancer in me. I let them not believe in me. I failed myself and helped them fail me in return.

Until today.

A dear teacher from 9 years ago came back to visit us, and now I can dance again. I am sweating. My thighs hurt. My hips hurt. My brain is fried from remembering the routine on what comes after what. I panted. I couldn’t speak. I moved. I pushed my feet to remember that it was a 5 beat and not a more relaxed 3 beat.

I was told to have a vision. I was the only one in the place. I was asked to think back to how I felt back in the day. To feel what I felt. With my eyes closed. Why can’t I be the same person again. I can do it. I should be able to do it. I had to be selfish. The only important person in the class was me. No one else cared or cares and will ever care on what and how I perform, except for me. No one really ought care, except for me. Did I want to change status quo. Of course I did. The *want* came from within. It wasn’t there yesterday. It wasn’t there this morning, but it was there 2 hours ago when I stood as a student in front of a teacher who *believed* in me.

She picked up on the details. The way I made an entrance. The fluidity with which I could keep up with her voice. The grace with which I lifted my foot and placed it down. The way I moved my eyes with every step. The ease with which I remembered what came after what. She *told* me. She mentioned every single thing that I was doing *right*. Encouraging me. Goading me when I looked like I could pass out. Challenging me. Positively. Questioning me on why I should’t and what was stopping me from doing it better. Breaking it down into edible chunks.

Every single thing she did to me, I could see me in her. I have goaded, pushed, encouraged and challenged other students of mine. I believed in them. In their power to bring out their best.

The power of faith.

Today, I saw me in her. Or maybe she saw me in her.

Coz today, I have faith in me. Coz my teacher had faith in me.

The stars have aligned.

They dance to my tune.

Do you have any idea how that feels?

It feels like a thousand yellow buttercups waving in the gentle spring breeze to the tune of Katie Perry’s Firework







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11 replies on “all it takes”
  1. says: srutic

    I think i know which teacher it is :).

    “It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Near the finish line, you’ll realize you’ve only been racing against yourself.”

  2. Dance does that to you doesn’t it? I miss it. I am in the phase where I can’t push myself because I am scared of hurting myself too (I had broken my leg 6 months ago) and I am finding solace in writing(but not much!) It felt good to read this post Rads. I felt like seeing my dance ma’am again!

    1. says: rads

      i think dance is somehow the most powerful of all drivesr. Or maybe am so inclined.
      Yes, yo must push yourself with smaller goals. I have been so afraid the past 4 years, and now when I think back, i know i have lost time. sadly.

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