It’s deepavali this weekend. Am going through the motions of cooking, cleaning and planning. Lights are lit. The dishes are done. The invites are out and am expecting family over soon.
Am sitting on my bed and the urge to write down this hollowness overwhelms me and I remember the WordPress app that I can use and must, coz aren’t we all looking for the ease of use. I last used my laptop yesterday morning.
It’s been a strange time deep inside. There is a restlessness. An emptiness and a part of me wants to get into the car and drive out.
I miss my son.
I miss Zephie.
I don’t miss them like I want to spend every waking minute. I am neither bawling my eyes out like i have been prone to since a few weeks. I miss them like a hug. When you really just want to touch someone and feel their presence with that sense and not just with your heart or mind. Memories are as real as they are ephemeral.
I have guests coming in. The house could use a sweep. I still don’t know what I am wearing.
The basement is awful. Well not awful but the DIY projects and the costumes from all our collective dance lives are laying around waiting to be packed away.
Tomorrow is a busy day. I will cook dinner for 25 people, after spending 12-6 pm at my daughters dance recital. Prudence should suggest that I ought not have done this. But then it’s nice to have laughs and people and food and fireworks this day. So I did.
I will smile and laugh and will have fun. I know that. I also know that there will be this tiny light that will pluck at my heart from within. I’ll ignore it and I will be my usual cheerful self. I’ll look at it like how one would watch that tiny piece of crumb stuck to your child’s upper lip. With that intense desire to lift your hand and clean it up but what if that child is on stage and you can’t access them? So you smile bright and chuckle and enjoy the show but that damn crumb will somehow make its mark on that occasion.
I fought with a friend. Maybe it wasn’t a fight. It was a silly repetitive argument when both get into this space that neither can hear the other and we drive each other nuts and say the harshest things. I wish I didn’t. I wish we didn’t. But it did happen. So now I shall live this weekend through it.
Halloween will come. I will come up with something and dress up. I like dressing up scary and weird. I am a strange one so it makes perfect sense I be who I am 🙂
Zephie left us on a November 1st. Last Halloween was truly scary. I remember spending the night with her. I remember feeding her sooons of yogurt laced with pain medication. I remember her heavy breathing. I remember her glazed eyes as she looked at me that morning. I remember us lifting her up on her cushion for her final drive to the emergency. I remember that room the doctors the checking in the gentle way the nurse carried my 50 lbs Zephie in and I remember bidding her goodbye and watching her chest slow down and then stop.
She was an amazing dog and we could have done her better. But am blessed. Blessed that she touched us for four good years and changed us all in a way that only pets and dogs can. And for that I smile and stay grateful.
Time to remove the ignorance and light some happiness and joy around 🙂