strange as they come {fable}

An essay: 

When folks you love and hold dear to your heart decide to move on, move away or carry on with their life and you know it in your heart that it is the right thing for them, and you want to hold on and cry and be on the same side and be simply sad and empathetic to the changing situation YET

..all that comes out is screaming and yelling and aggressive name-calling or blaming and doing everything possible to create a tantrum, and muddy waters that froth and get bitter and angry and churn in contorted ways that frankly wants those dear ones to run like the wind and away and far, far away as possible from you. Wanting to create a distance from the person that they want to hold close yet, want to actually stay away from the person you’ve become.

No?

What? No?

Seriously? It’s only me then?

Oh joy!

 

Oh well, that’s weird me.

I hold only a handful close to heart. Handful. I can count, and I will have fingers left to hold onto a spoon and shove large amounts of bhel puri into my angry, sullen mouth.

When any of them decide to throw some distance between us, even for a day,for that moment, I get frothy. I hate it when they come to say goodbye at the airports.  I act like a crazed maniac. I am a maniac. I am a weird maniac. 

I am way past the halfway mark, and a full blown adult and my ways are set in many ways and I know in my heart that I will die a lonely, cranky old woman. Unloved and unwanted. Not because I wasn;’t worthy of it or there aren’t enough folks who love me for who I am, but I would have successfully pushed them all away with one angry froth at a time. 

No one is to be blamed but me. 

I think it’s in my genes. I also think it’s a disorder that if I dig deep enough in the psychiatric annals, I will find a name for it. Cure? Maybe. Maybe not. 

Until then, am best keeping my safe distance and not allowing any more folks to come close to my heart. No vacancy as they say.. 

I must sound helpless. I am not. I am constantly trying to help myself and am constantly failing. Either am not trying hard enough or I am beyond repair. BUT, knowing how persistent I am, I know I will lose trying. 

What is it that you ask?

Does it hurt?

The hell it does. It hurts like hell. Not that I know how hell hurts, but I can guarantee you, that if I land in hell, it won’t hurt a bit coz I’d be used to it. It hurts. It hurts to be me. This is a burden I live with. A curse and a blessing. A curse coz I hurt myself more than I hurt my loved ones. A blessing coz I know and acknowledge and hence ensure I don’t hurt more by keeping safe distances from all. 

The curse of loving too much. 

5 black dreams {WhatTheBlack}

I love black. I think most women like black, it’s a phenomenon. I havent met a single girl out there who does not approve of black. In clothing especially. Black is the great leveler, the ultimate weapon to not highlight what we dont want to highlight and has the power to make the rest of us stand out.

Yeah?

Think of the LBD. It is ranked as one of the most popular outfits almost all women want to own.

Not the LBD generation, then it must be the black sari. In all possible materials and designs and styles. The Kanjivaram, Mysore silk, Bengal cotton and the one with pearl work, and the sequins and the ribbon work and then the suits and so on.

You think black’s just for clothing? Nope, we love black in the kitchen, in the appliances, the couch and the cushions, the carpets, even the gorgeous black centers of black eyed susans! We love the glistening black idols in the south Indian temples, the rough hues of the ancient chiseled statues around the temples, the thick mane humans and horses and gorgeous labradors  and border collies sport, the kohl that lines women’s eyes to convey the myriad emotions and we love the black backdrops in photo sessions that make the subject pop! The night sky to my beautiful dog Zephie, to the black felt marker I use to the black light filtering curtains in the sunroom, black runs my life, subtly, and in the shadows.

Black, as much as a negative connotation it may carry in some cultures, has its stand, firm and dignified, come what may attitude.

Black is my favorite color and I can never tire of not incorporating it in my wardrobe at every chance I get. So with  closet predominantly full of black, what ELSE would I like to own that is black you ask? Here you go!

1. Black Tesla. 

black tesla

Look at that thing and tell me you aren’t drooling to sit on it, in it and just TOUCH it? Sigh.

Well, it’s Tesla. It’s black. It is amazing!

When you dream, you just as well dream big right? Go big or go home! Yes, one day. I will own or lease or rent or whatever, I will drive this beauty around!

2. Black Pearl 

Tahitian pearls

 

It’s the Tahitian pearl. Not entirely black, but rare and so expensive and is only found or made in the Tahitian waters. I am not entirely sure if I will finally buy it even if I can afford it, but it’s something Ive thought of when I heard of it and would like to own it maybe..

3. Black Kanjeevaram sari 

I already own a Gadwal silk, A bengal cotton, Bengal cotton/.silk, an Oriya silk, a Mysore silk, a Lucknowi cotton sari, and a few other random material ones – all fabulous and gorgeous on their own, BUT I must own a Kanjivaram black silk ONE Day. I will, too. Just need to go get a job first.

4. Black granite countertops 

We bought a house that has become a home over the past 15 years. It is our first home and well, first homes are usually more emotional than practical and most definitely more budget conscious. So, I scrimped on a few things and sacrificed a few others as we were just beginning to settle down and budget and the monthly mortgage was a priority.

Over teh years Ive loved how the granite looks and it has been one of the bigger upgrades that I want to get done. It’s expensive too, so I am waiting for an opportune moment to get it done and it’s the only upgrade/renovation I want for the home.

5. Black Golden Retriever 

I have Zephie. She’s the most obedient, sweetest low-maintenance pup ever. Her dad’s a Norwegian Elkhound and her mom is a Border Collie. She is a gorgeous mix of both breeds and as luck would have it (for us) she got the best of both genes, in looks, behavior and temperament. 

rockstar

BUT, since a couple of months, I’ve been feeling like we could use one more little pup in the house. As a playmate for Zephie and even munchkin. We have a few Golden Retrievers around and I love them! Labs are adorable too, but somehow Goldens seem more put together, and I cant take way playful pups seeking attention 24/7 – that’s huge maintenance and we are spoilt with Zephie now. I am not sure if I will go ahead and adopt one more, what with the way things are, but it’s on the radar alright and am already excited! 

***

So! This has been fun writing and listing all things black and beautiful! ..and I have to thank Alchemist Poonam for nudging me on. Thanks girl! 

This post is a part of #WhatTheBlack activity at BlogAdda.com

Best friends and best friends forever..

Today’s daily prompt was on best friends. 

I seem to be (re)evaluating friendships and relationships, a lot lately. Actually that isn’t true. I have been doing that in the recent past, the immediate past and the current present has me completely letting go of all things that bind me down. It isn’t going great in case you were wondering, but that’s the ultimate goal. To be able to let go to the point that I still care but not bound by it.

ITS FRIKKIN DIFFICULT OK?

..AND I WENT THROUGH NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT THREE *NATURAL* CHILDBIRTHS WITH NO PAIN MEDICATION, AND AM SAYING THAT THIS BALANCE IS BLOODY DIFFICULT.

There! That balance is hard. For me.

Not for my best friends, though. They are marvelous little jugglers, with a genetic disposition of the long matted hair saints in the Himalayas, or a sleepy gecko in the caribbean. I switch according to how much I love them at that moment.

I am a useless loyalist. I really only have the bandwidth for one single friend at any given point in time. If you are thinking “wow” – let me assure you, it isnt a safe place to be. Not that the friend in question will cheat on you, which is a whole new rant in its own, but that situation and life is a b*tch and no one really is responsible but people change and times change and so the relationship goes through some subtle to crazy chemical reactions and no one really knows the outcome of what each of us go through while storming it.

All my school life, I had just one friend. ALL. I had friends, but she was my soul mate. I break into tears even now when she pings me or we talk just a bit more than the usual “life is crap, but whatever right? type of talks.

In college I had one more. I cheated on my bestie from the above. Serves me right. Coz I know karma pays back and I have paid for that heavily. I had one other girl bestie whom I related to more. It was great. She moved on after college and we occasionally talk, but she went through a tragic life changing event last year and has since blocked her away.

Also anyone who tells you earth is flat and there is the internet and its so easy to be in touch is A CLUELESS LIAR.

I didnt really have a good BFF for a while after moving here to the US.

Then I found her. She still is, and she makes me feel so comfortable and so at ease and I love her to death. Since two years, we aren’t in touch as much as I would like to just because of life and physical distances etc, but every time I meet her my eyes light up and I am very happy. I truly wish I could spend more time with her, but we all know time is again another slimy b*tch.

What this BFF taught me was that being BFF wasn’t two-way. Just because she is mine, doesn;t mean I am hers. It isn’t mutual, and it doesn’t have to be and yet, it is okay. Took me forever to learn that.

Don’t you just hate (re)learning things as an adult, but the funny part is that we learn the most valuable lessons as adults. Not as children.

I also think guys make great friends. They are the best actually when all you want to do is talk, and if you want to hear the truth, and not be judged. I’ve had some pretty awesome guy friends, mainly online, and they’ve all floated in and out of my life, just like we drifters are meant to.

Only catch with them is that they go get married. Then that wife hates you. She will never act out the fact that she hates you, she will never breathe a word about you, she will stand at a safe distance and smile if she has to, not at you, but her husband when you land in their life. She will ignore you and make you feel like a worm and unwelcome and essentially screw with your mind so much that it takes a herculean effort to NOT shadow that with what you have with the guy. Of course the guy will have to keep the wife happy and well, that’s then then for you, the sucker friend.

It’s again WORK, to look beyond and tread carefully and tightrope it etc.

Who likes to work and consciously? Sigh.

Or they go have a baby.

Or a dog.

Men are single track minds. So asking them for time when you want to quick chat or run something by you is perfectly okay, but once they get married, it is never the same.

So there goes that dow that draining sinkhole.

So yes, what was the prompt again?

“Do you — or did you ever — have a Best Friend? Do you believe in the idea of one person whose friendship matters the most? Tell us a story about your BFF (or lack thereof).”

Yeah, I do think friendships rock. They, like any relationship need work, and both need to want to be there. It needs to be watered regularly. It needs time, and space and trust and mutual respect.

For folks like me, who invest heavily in that one single relation-at one time; it’s an emotional drain and fear that we live in constantly. Coz you learn to recognize the signs. You block them, but there they are badgering you constantly. Then you know. You just know it, when that heart sinks just a bit low when you wake up one day.

…and then you wonder, will it be awhile before someone else comes along, will it be quick, will it be painful, and will it last long after the embers are dead, and you just know that life will go on. The wheels will turn and sometimes slow sometimes faster than u can cope, but they turn and you will hobble along with or without your BFF next to you, but the memories will always stay with you.

 

a cycle run

So this summer Ive been meaning to spend more time with my Zeph and also more time outside. My new favorite before 9 am on most days is to take my Trek(cycle) and cycle around the neighborhood. Gives me some low-impact aerobic to do and 20 minutes of clear me-time while I sort things in my head. It’s a mess most mornings when i get up. Almost like the neurons decided to get all impish and twist themselves into a frenzied knot just because I work them so much during the day.

Usually the husband does Zephie’s morning walk. It’s their sacred time together. I have started taking her mid-afternoon into the woods and new terrains that she doesn’t do with him. Maybe twice a week.

Yesterday we were at the vet. Came back with a few revelations.

1. Zeph could afford to use 10 lbs. (yay, so could I, I cheered myself!)

2. She was awesome just the way she was according to her breed. She was not a huge kid person, and wouldn’t play fetch, but more herd and it’s OKAY for some breeds to not care about fetching or playing with other dogs. (I figured, just like mommy!) 3. She LOVES royal canine diet treats. Paid a hefty $40 for a 8 lb bag, which we shall use till next year!

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Zephie pausing for me to keep up

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