This morning on my drive up, I drove in silence. Wanted to think and clear my mind a bit, and then I thought back to the really happy relaxed frame of mind that I have been in the recent past and realized it was quite recent actually.
The countdown worthy December-January!
There was a stable calmness within me despite a background of uneasiness and unsurity of the place I occupied, not out of anyone else’s doing, but a nagging doubt that I placed within me. I should have known better, but I am going to give myself the benefit of doubt and forgive myself. You see, we are our own best friend during the most darkest of times.
The countdown was of course begun with a sense of purpose. The practical ones that I’ve listed here are of course ones with a visible change and improvement. There has been a more subtle sub-conscious determination that I now voice and bring to forefront. As simple as it may sound, many of us struggle with sticking to goals we decide, no matter how we arrived on them; on a whim or after a lot of thought. Either way, an outside influence or support almost always helps us nudge it along. The support comes in various ways, from faith in a higher power, to to-do lists, to friends and family or even sheer vanity.
As we go through life, we cannot help but change. This is shown via our reactions to certain situations, and occasionally under duress, there is a complete deviation of thought and action. Dark murky feelings arise out of nowhere. Ultimately, we settle into what we are originally made of. The transgressions do not necessarily define us, but they form the occasional side trips we let ourselves go, purely to find that we are made of better stuff, the one that actually defines us. It’s all good.
It’s like you’re skipping along the railroad tracks, and there pops a tunnel. It’s dark, but you gotta cross it anyway. You do. It is hard, but ultimately you do. Then you wonder, can I skip again? You try. It’s shaky, you trip and fall, the muscles give way, and you bleed with the cuts and scrapes, but ultimately you do, coz it comes naturally to you as you have done it before! Coz it is intrinsic in each of us. The art of being tenacious little imps.
The shaky part is what the test is.
The countdown has been an eye-opener in so many ways. Not only has to given me the inner strength to look back on those days and smile on the pleasure of it all, but how much the days at the gym calmed me, filled me with endorphins, gave me a sense of purpose and assured me that me, Rads, set my mind on something, I could do it. I believe that we all need to put ourselves occasionally through such tests, just to calm those unsettling waters and tremors within.
With all these thoughts running in my head, just like that, this afternoon, out of the blue, this song popped into my head.
I couldn’t wait to come home and listen to it. It features my favorite actors, it’s IR’s music, it’s jogging, and hey, it’s serene. Just look at it, you’ll know.
My eyes mist as I watch this, not out of sadness, regret or even melancholy. It’s because of the faith one builds and seeps out from the heart. The faith that I have built and hold in my heart and mind will remain, unshakeable.
My heart jogs to the beat, and I just know. No words needed.